Looking Work In The Eye

It's six months now since I lost my job. Think of what you could do with six free months. I do ... of what I could have done.

It's a long time. Summer turned to fall, now winter. I turned into an unemployed woman with a cushion of money to help me through and a lap top on which I sought a job. I cooked a little, traveled some and cleaned out closets and drawers. I reached out to friends for support and turned to my dog for daily comfort and, sometimes, conversation. I dreamed of what I could become in this next chapter, and felt regret for what I had not become in my life thus far.

And now I seem close to being hired for a job that will give me the security I long for, despite fantasies of being untethered and free. It'll be a good thing, if I manage to snag the spot. I'll have the enviable employee health insurance and a respectable vacation policy. I'll work in an exciting business that's growing by leaps and bounds. I'll be an assistant to an executive who thrives on work and has numerous successes in his pocket. I'll be off my mother's worry list and back in good standing with my creditors. I'll be back on track ... for whatever it is I'm heading towards.

I'll be relieved. I'll be motivated. But, I'll be disappointed. Why have I not made more of all that's been given to me? Why am I not the success that my siblings are and the creative person I like to see myself as? Why do I let life happen to me?

Surely there are reasons. I could pay a psychologist lots of money to lay it all out for me, but then what would that accomplish? I already know, mostly. I've rarely set my sites on anything I didn't think I could achieve. I've always tried to avoid failing. Always.

A few years ago I took on a personal motto: Aim low. It was a joke, at the time, but is clearly now a reality. Work is work for me. Not a calling or something to be conquered.

I work to live, rather than the opposite. And I think, still, that that's a healthy attitude. But now, after being without a job for a time, I admit that there's a lot to be said for the responsibilities that come with a job. The structure of the day. The diversion from one's self. The paycheck.

So, I'll try hard to get this job, and when/if I do, I'll try hard to do it as best as possible and look for opportunities to shine wherever possible. I'll be a model employee, a people pleaser and a respected colleague. I'll be The Assistant.

And then I'll come home -- where my heart is.